Flashlight, Not Spotlight: Light Up the Shadows Book Tour
Flashlight, Not Spotlight: Light Up the Shadows Book Tour
Episode 12 of Calling Out the Shadows: A Clarity Over Comfort Podcast
By Neal Winsomer · Published July 22, 2026 · Roughly 28 minutes
The Light Up the Shadows Book Tour Is Personal. Here Is What It Is About.
I recorded this on the road to the first stop of the Light Up the Shadows book tour. For me this is less about signing books than what happens beside them. I talk about how I want to meet people where they are and learn as much as I share, why I see narcissism as a wide range instead of one label, and why I try to answer a hard moment with a pause instead of a reaction. I call it lighting up the shadows with a flashlight, not a spotlight.
THE SHORT VERSION
- I am on the road for the Light Up the Shadows book tour, from California to Florida.
- For me the tour is about connection, not signings, meeting people where they are.
- I share why I see narcissism as a wide range, not a single label.
- I try to answer a hard moment with a pause and the long view, not a reaction.
- I call it lighting up the shadows with a flashlight, not a spotlight.
LISTEN
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QUESTIONS THIS EPISODE ANSWERS
What is the Light Up the Shadows book tour?
It is the tour for my book Calling Out the Shadows, from California to Florida. For me it is less about bookstores and signings than sitting with people where they are and sharing what I have learned.
What does flashlight, not spotlight mean?
It is how I try to bring things into the light. Carefully and considerately, in a calm way, rather than as an attack. A flashlight shows what is there without burning it down.
Is the tour about selling books, or something else?
For me it is connection and stewardship. I want to meet people in everyday places, hear their stories, and share ideas and strategies with anyone who might find them helpful.
Can Neal come to my city or event?
The route is set for this run from California to Florida, and more stops may be added. If you would like to connect when the road reaches your city, reach out through the tour page and I will follow up.
Are you an expert?
No. I am no authority. I share my own experience and views as a father, from what I have lived and learned.
IN THIS CONVERSATION
- Why this book tour is personal, not promotional
- Meeting people where they are
- Seeing narcissism as a range, not a label
- Answering a hard moment with a pause
- Lighting up the shadows with a flashlight, not a spotlight
- Writing through a hard health year
- Hope, healing, and connection on the road
FULL TRANSCRIPT
Text Transcription of the Episode
Read or download the full text transcription of this episode.
Why This Tour Is Personal
I’m sharing what this means to me and what this is about for me regarding this book tour and these next number of days, weeks, kind of bypassing months. I wrote some other books that were a little bit more industry-focused in particular industries under my real name and not my pen name previously.
And in those a lot of times the tour was it was supporting the book it was supporting the concept it was sharing a little bit but sometimes it was just, not as engaging it was you know the people would challenge and I had no problem with challenges I love debates and I’m right there to hear a.
But it was something, it meant something different. And it was a little bit more promotion than personal. In the sake of, or in the space of calling out the shadows, this is a much more personal experience.
This isn’t about setting up at every bookshop that’s been contacted and signing books for people. This is much more about engaging and connecting with people, meeting people where they’re at.
Physically in these different places, but also mentally, intellectually, spiritually, in what they’re feeling and what they’re thinking, in where they stand with high conflict communication, with narcissism, with difficulties inside of a divorce, with situations with the kids.
The book is a month out and a couple days, and I’ve found I’ve had better conversations and greater connections, some online and just some in coffee shops, some in Starbucks or Panera. Of somebody looking at the sticker on the front of the computer or they see the car sticker.
I have some stickers on the car right now about, you know, what it is. And they look it up or they run a QR code. And hearing these stories and sharing, it’s something healing. And I’ve had some people say to me, specifically a person that became a friend, that it’s unfortunate.
I’m not going to see him. And it was just that one stop. But he wants to stay in touch. And he said, there was something, he said, this sounds horrible, but I’m so glad to read what you went through, and where I can see some of the same issues, where I was thinking some of the same things.
And I felt the same way. He didn’t have a book, but he shared some situations that I really could relate to. So the idea of the book, tour, and Light Up the Shadows, and the concept of Light Up the Shadows…
Connection Over Promotion
Is not sitting here and taking a narcissistic approach to narcissism or narcissists, which I’ve seen a lot. People are so angry. Every narcissist does that. Okay, great. Now you’re making a claim and you’re kind of heading in a certain direction.
Or somebody has a certain experience and now they state that as fact over opinion or over their taking a personal experience and they’ve all of a sudden now moved it into this is everyone, which I believe is wrong.
And I mean I’ve seen some people that are doctors that are they are experts, but also in their expertise there’s an arrogance when they begin to make statements that they don’t necessarily know about, I’ve read in this book in this book in this study and 95 of people doing this and okay,
where’s your 95 study coming from it seems a little bit off, what I want out of the light up the shadows book tour, there’s some personal elements but there’s also just an element to connect,
to steward as much as care to share this experience I’m not going in with everyone saying buy my book buy my book let me sign it now I’m not really that big into autographs and I don’t understand autographs, I’ve signed books again and it feels to me it just feels weird um and I I’ve Never was that, you know, I want your autograph.
I’d rather talk to a person. I mean, I’m happy to sign them and I have been signing them. Last night, a signature, I looked up and they’re like, are you uncomfortable? I said, I just don’t understand why you want my signature on a pretty terrible story, but how I chose to approach it.
But either way, here or there, to meet some people, to learn about the different types of groups, to share some stuff on Instagram and have some fun about locations.
I mean, the first Instagram post of the tour, as I was told by three different people, you have to Instagram this, was not, here’s my bookstop and all the tables set up and all the neat banners and whatnot. I took the first stop. The first stop was my rest stop. I had to go to the bathroom.
And I found it kind of funny that this spot in Mesquite, Nevada. You had your Wendy’s, you had your Flying J, and you had your slot machines inside the rest stop. I just, I thought that was funny. So I took a picture of the book doing that.
And that’s going to be the whole, the imagery of this thing. It’s not going to be a series of look at me speaking here or look at me in this particular bookstore or look at me, you know, with this event or that event.
This is much more about the book traveling across the country, but more so meeting people where they’re at, learning from them as if some of them find that they can learn some stuff from me.
And the whole mission is the idea of lighting up the shadows, but doing it in a careful, in a considerate, and in a calm way. I received, I mean, as I was leaving this morning, I received a difficult email, from a difficult woman who is my ex-wife.
And the tone of it and the need for control and the way that she was bending around and baiting, it came off like something that was written by her lawyer. And, you know, and then she put her.
A Careful Way to Call Things Out
Two cents on top of it. And so many things came up again. Like, this is what I would love to respond with.
I’d love to be frank about your actions, your patterns, this disrespect, this disregard, this selfishness, this arrogance, this ego that I’ve seen, that I’ve felt, that I’ve experienced, this sense that I feel.
And again, I’ll be careful and state it, even though I don’t need to here in the audio, I’ll be careful and state it from an opinion. I feel she is trying to distance me in any way, shape, or form from my daughter, and doing everything that she can. And that to me is just weird.
And I want to just fire back, but I don’t. I calm down. How do I address each of these in the best way possible?
How do I address it in truth, in transparency, in the ability to look at the perseverance of it, the idea of what this is going to stand, not just in an email that’s being sent, but in an example of a series of other emails that have been sent that can showcase and maybe not in the latest hearing or the next hearing, but maybe a hearing down the line.
Here are the patterns of an of what I see is a very unhealthy woman with an incredibly unhealthy toxic mind who’s choosing this attack thing as opposed to saying can we, Can we co-parent?
I still go back to it was a couple of hearings ago where it was her lawyer that spoke up and said, you can’t come in a hearing and make your ex-wife go to ice cream with your daughter and you. And I said, I’m not doing that. I’m requesting it.
I’m not stating it as, but I’m stating, hey, this is something that our daughter has asked for. This is something that can you put aside your hatred for me your actions your toxicity and focus on our daughter suck it up step up. Have an ice cream. But it doesn’t compute. She needs to be in control.
She still does not appear to see the effect that she’s having even on her daughter. But that’s neither here nor there, and that’s kind of going off the point.
The point is, for some of those that have been out there, for some of those that have read the books where they share one linear phrase or one linear framing of narcissism. Narcissism to me is like autism.
Narcissism as a Range, Not a Label
Autism has the widest array from the highest functioning people to the lowest. And narcissism is the same way. I think different people may have some narcissistic traits. Others may have a narcissistic personality disorder. Mix that with cognitive problems. Now you’ve got a whole different level.
Mix that with emotional abuse from the past, mix that with issues that have not been solved. And it’s heightened or whatever you want to call it. But I think part of the tour is stating, I’m not stating my book is the end-all be-all memoir. It’s not.
And the back part, the appendices, it’s not the end-all be-all answer, but it’s one view.
And if that can connect with someone, and at the same time, And if that can open them up to saying, okay, maybe I can read this other person’s book or I can read this and see this as opinions, not facts, and then take the opinions and take the information and in certain cases take certain substantiated objective facts, put it together, and then figure out the best approach.
Strategy Over Reaction
One thing I’ve experienced is my approach is not for everyone. I’ve had some people not be aggressive about it, but attack my approach as being too passive, too submissive, and giving in. And I don’t consider myself a passive, submissive, or a person that gives in.
But I’m looking from a strategic standpoint of realizing if I said the things that I wanted to say or the things that I felt, How does that honor love? How does that honor my daughter? How does that honor getting these steps forward?
When the truth is being muted, when the attacks are coming, and they are coming, and they’re continuing to come, my action to be able to state something that even I could say is objectively true, it doesn’t help in the long run.
The long run is the connection with my daughter the care for my daughter ensuring the safety for her mental wellness, and not taking her away from her mother in any way shape or form that was never a thing and that was apparently said to her said to my daughter saying oh you know your daddy’s going to take you away from me.
I have no intention of that I all my intention is to light up the shadows and when I say light up the shadows it’s not light up the shadows to her friends I don’t care what her friends think of me, I don’t care what her family thinks of me. I don’t care about that circle.
I care about where my daughter’s at. And I care that the judges, the courts, that people can see that this can be lit up. This is not an attack to burn her, to bring her down. This whole, you know, one person that sent me this email going like, you’re just going on a negative blasting campaign.
No, I’m not going to do that. That’s not been my intention. And I’m not going to do something that could potentially get me in trouble and shut me down more. No, I’m going to bring her into, I’m going to bring her actions into the light, when it comes to the courts.
And as far as my daughter, this book is not for her right now. She knows it too.
What I Want My Daughter to See
She doesn’t have a copy of it. She’s not going to have a copy of it for a long time. Copy number one is for her. It is boxed up. It is sealed up. And when she’s ready for it. And it’s also stated very clearly a number of times it’s pointed toward her saying, I’m not telling you what to believe.
You’ve been shared a whole bunch of information. Here’s a different view. What you do with that, what you decide to do with that, how you choose to see that is all on you. I’m not trying to win a case against my or for my daughter.
I’m trying to win a case based on truth against my ex-wife so she can be seen for what she is. And again, not to knock her name, not to hurt her reputation. I think that that’s one of the biggest things with narcissists that I’ve experienced.
Don’t let the version of the truth that they need to be seen as true crumble. Don’t let their friends, and I’m sure inside the circle of friends, I am the enemy. And I’m not going to fight that if that’s what she’s got set up.
And if based on them, if they’ve decided to conclude that, who am I to argue? And I’m not going to take, I mean, she can continue to do that. I am going to make sure that the judges in the court see the patterns, see what’s happened, see the examples.
And in that, it’s lighting up the shadows in the right way. It’s not sending a bonfire. It’s not sending a laser. It’s realizing that this hearing or that hearing might not be what I want it to be for the long term, but to handle it the right way at the right time.
To sit there and not interrupt, to sit up straight, to do what I’m supposed to do. It’s not passive. It’s not submissive. It is strategic perseverance that I do for my daughter. When I want to send something, when I get into the angriest mode for something that was sent, I pause, I breathe.
I imagine my daughter over my shoulder and be, who do I want to be as a father? Who do I want to respond? How do I want to respond to this with the consideration that my daughter could one day see these emails.
Pause Before Responding
That to me is part of lighting up the shadows. It’s lighting it up in a transparent way. It’s for people to know whether they read the book or not, that this is who I am, and I’m far from perfect. And there are times and there are older emails and I don’t, you know, I’m not perfect.
I blasted out and said some things. And I slowly found myself realizing, okay, I’ve got to go softer here.
Okay not that what I said before was wrong but how am I going to build this conversation how am I going to get this to where it needs to be how do I create this, to move forward how do I show my growth it’s not saying like okay I’m you know I’m perfect in any way shape or form I’m not, but it’s it’s looking at can I show growth can she show growth and she’s shown none.
She went from piss-poor communication, in my opinion, to enabled communication of what she uses around her lawyer. In the last hearing, when I watched them lie, I was furious, and I was breathing, and I was just sitting in my chair, and it was over a Zoom thing. I’m like, don’t call it a lie.
Not right now. Mark it down. Write it down. But I watched a lie, and I think I mentioned this in a shorter previous podcast. I watched her knowing it was a lie. And she, I mean, there’s some damage going on.
She does, she believes certain lies that it’s, she’s taken her mind wherever it is that you could sit there with all the substantiated proof, the documented proof, text, emails, which I’ve had and I’ve sent. I didn’t send that. That’s not true. And she’ll still, she’ll, she’ll defend it.
That’s the hill which he’s going to die on. And it’s just insane to me. But here’s where it stands. And here’s where Light Up the Shadow stands. To those individuals, and I guess this is the part of the mission and part of the stewardship.
To those individuals that have a terrible situation, as much as you want to scream, as much as you want to out them, don’t. Or consider not doing it.
Consider every action you take every second you put whether it’s into an email whether it’s with a hearing whether it’s with a lawyer whether you’re using like what I do with you know ai use some checking what you’re writing.
Organizing What Matters
Consider the long term I don’t send something of going like here’s an email and here’s how I want to respond edit it doesn’t then pop out two seconds later And people do that and it gets them in trouble. I’ll take an email and say, this is what I feel I should respond.
Where do I stand against the parenting plan? Where do I stand with this response against the rules of the court? Where do I stand across all these different things?
And from there, coming up with the best response for today, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, am I setting myself up for failure? It is because that she can’t stand on the truth and the transparency is hidden. And I think that this happens with a lot of people.
I think she’s looking for that slip-up.
And if we as men, if we as women that are experiencing it for men, if we give them the latitude and we give them the room, then they can redirect and go, well, look at what they said or look at what they did or look at what, you know, look at how this came out. And this person’s terrible.
And so all of a sudden, something that was an emotional reaction now has a liability and a logistical problem that’s being added to the fold.
Flashlight, Not Spotlight
So in the idea of lighting up the shadows it’s lighting up the shadows with a flashlight not a spotlight, it’s keeping the fight and keeping the fight for love private in some ways and not sitting there on you know going to all the friends do you realize you have no idea who she is,
what energy would it take if I went to her circle of friends right now and said you have no idea who she is look at these emails look at what she said look at some of the just absolute awful things that she’s done, look at the sabotage here it is proven, what energy, what sense of moving forward would that help, I’m sitting here now,
or for the people that bash online with their name, my ex, I’m not going to say her name, but this is my name.
So, you know, they’re out there bashing online, running into potential defamation of character, running into other issues, as opposed to working to bite their tongue, refocus their lips, and write it down or organize it somewhere else. You have so many people that go, oh, this isn’t important.
Oh, this isn’t going to help me. You’d be surprised what might help you. You light up something and you go, you know what? This might not serve me today or tomorrow, but this might be something that I need to keep. How do I organize this? And even stuff like AI can help. Here’s the experience.
I have an Excel sheet, an incident Excel sheet. And it’s categorized with. Nine different rows of here’s what’s happened, here’s what I’m concerned about, here’s where I think it breaks something or is going against the plan or whatnot.
I don’t know if that’s anything I can use at the moment, but let me collect this and have it together. And mistakes I’ve made in the past, I’m putting something together, I put it all together.
And my thought at the time was, there’s so much here so it’s not expecting a judge to look at every single thing but I’m asking you look that if you disregard x, here’s y z a b c d e f g and h that this is a pattern not just a single linear event or linear incident, and sometimes that’s not the way to go but to sit there and get yourself organized.
Light up the organization. Light up the patterns. Organize this thing to realize there’s certain stuff that’s not to be brought out for a while. There’s other stuff that maybe it’s time to bring it out. There’s other things that are just going to have to take time.
You may have to light up your own shadows of the idea of like, I need to win everything. You know what? I’m not going to win this one, but it’s going to set me up for the long-term, I believe with certain narcissists, with certain toxic people.
Learning to Lose a Battle
That use lies, that use false claims, that use lawyers that are just as narcissistic as they are, that when they see that you’re going in to try to win a war. As opposed to saying, okay, I’m going to lose this particular battle, they take advantage of that.
I believe my ex-wife’s attorney is absolutely doing that with my ex-wife. And I won’t walk on eggshells, But I’ll walk strategically. I’ll walk carefully. I’ll know what to bring light to, what to write down. It’s not necessarily about keeping it in the dark, but knowing when is this to be used?
When is it not to be used? And learning from every experience. I know I had a certain plan and that plan didn’t work. I didn’t expect certain things. I didn’t expect certain lies. I didn’t expect certain events to happen. I didn’t expect things to happen. And it’s going, okay, I need to reset this.
I need to revamp this. Thank you.
Strategic Transparency on the Road
This to me is how we light up the shadows, strategically, carefully, flashlights, not spotlights. And the whole point around this tour is not an idea of book signing and ego and I’m right. I want to meet people. I want to share these. I want to share my experiences. I want to learn more experiences.
I want to find ways where it’s not just some kind of, okay, it’s some men’s group that, you know, everyone’s just complaining. And bashing their exes or the same thing for a women’s group or the same thing for just an overall narcissist group. I’ve seen some of these.
I’ve gone into some of these meetup style things.
And I said in one of them and, was about to get kicked out, I left afterwards where I said, you know, in all the complaints that you have about toxic, assumptive and extreme and claim approaches you’re all making them and not saying that that’s that these things aren’t happening but you know,
I get it and there there are some people I vent with but if it’s going to be put out as a vent thing great if it’s this healing thing and you’re just adding to it I don’t know that that helps.
Writing Through Illness
But again I’m not an expert I had an experience when I thought that things were going really downhill health-wise, I started to write what was a letter to my daughter. And then health problems continued. And I continued to write it. And part of it was, let me stay alive to get this out.
Even three weeks before the book was coming out, I was in the trauma ward. And waking up on morphine, a series of other pain relievers, I was still making sure that everything for distribution and that this thing was coming out.
And now that it’s out and now that I’m getting better, I’m still dealing with certain health things, but I’m on the road. I’m against a couple of doctors’ wishes to do this, but I’m on the road. I’m out to have conversations. I’m out to connect with others. I’m out to make a difference.
I’m out to learn as much as I’m out to share. And my angle is, again, not submissive or passive, but more of here’s strategic transparency. How do we want to be seen? How do we want to perform with our heart? And again, if that’s not your style, it’s not your style.
I think it’s the better one to go with. I think it’s the one that can support you more in the end. I think it’s the one that if you have kids that could see this stuff, isn’t that what you want them to see? And that’s what I’m doing.
So if I’m coming to any of your cities if you dial into me through the website or anywhere else.
Healing Through Connection
Tell me what you got going on are there events that are worth checking out I’m not looking to pop into a city and go to a bookstore and then leave, I want to take this experience to engage people where they’re at and whatever’s going on in a given area and connect with those that want to connect and take it from there.
Sorry for the excessive rant and ramble and nine different directions with this thing, but this. Is why the book. This is why the book tour. This is what I’m about. I’m not saying come down and buy a book, but if you just want to come down and talk, I’m here.
If you’ve got some kind of event yourself, if you counsel in this area, help others in this area, have open meetings or events, if I’m there, I’d love to check it out.
Because I want this to be as much a learning experience as it is a stewarding experience for those that might be able to learn from me. And in that, that gives me hope. That gives me health. That gives me healing.
And that gives me just a passion and a presence and a determination, to make these things better, both for my situation, but also for others that, maybe they’re in a place where they can better it or they haven’t gone on the attack or they’re starting to see these signs and maybe it’s prior to a kid and they can get out of it earlier than later.
I don’t know. That’s it. I will stop my rant and ramble on somewhere in the desert between, where I took that bathroom break in Mesquite and Las Vegas. So pulling into Vegas in a bit. And here we go.
ABOUT THE HOST
Neal Winsomer is the author of Calling Out the Shadows: A Father’s Stand Against the Current, a memoir and practical guide, and the host of Calling Out the Shadows: A Clarity Over Comfort Podcast, which he narrates himself. He writes from lived experience inside high-conflict co-parenting, and is careful throughout his work to mark what is his subjective account and what is objective. He makes no claim to clinical expertise and offers no prescriptions. What you take from it is yours.
Published by Neal Winsomer Publishing LLC, an IBPA member (D-U-N-S 145038996), based in Gulf Breeze, Florida. Contact: hello@nealwinsomerpublishing.com.
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Calling Out the Shadows: A Clarity Over Comfort Podcast is hosted by Neal Winsomer. The accompanying book Calling Out the Shadows: A Father’s Stand Against the Current is available now from Neal Winsomer Publishing LLC in paperback, hardcover, eBook, audiobook, large print, and a Skimmer’s Edition. See all formats.
