When the Lie Becomes the Truth She Knows
Calling Out the Shadows: A Clarity Over Comfort Podcast

FULL TRANSCRIPT

This is another Calling Out the Shadows with Neal Winsomer, a Clarity Over Comfort short podcast. The idea I am looking at today is a thought and an observation. I feel like my ex-wife could pass the most sophisticated lie detector test and convince an experienced forensic psychologist that specific lies she tells are true. I believe she knows she is lying about certain things. But I have also found that with specific narratives, lies she has worked and crafted over time, even if at one point she knew she was lying, over time they appear to her as absolute and undeniable, and that with all the evidence to the contrary, to her it is the truth.

Two kinds of lies

For a while it bothered me, or made it worse. There is something going on besides the deliberate deception, besides the things she does on purpose. In what reads to me as narcissistic personality disorder, there seems to be an element of cognitive dissonance where she genuinely believes these lies in her heart. I know it sounds a little wild, but there is a strange calm in seeing it, because even though it is completely irrational, I could be in the room showing her a text she sent, and the response would be, you edited my text.

When the lie becomes belief

It drove me insane at the time, but I have found a calmer way to handle it. This is about tracking. This is about documenting. This is about showing the picture in family court, not trying to get it corrected with her or her lawyer. In whatever she has shared, and however much she believes it, there is no way to state it that will ever make it true between us. So it has to be a third party, someone outside of her, not her lawyer. That helps me take a couple of steps back and not react with the words I want to say, like, that sounds irrational, how can you think that. Those responses might land with someone who can own the truth or be caught in a lie. But how do you catch a lie when the person is convinced there is no way it could be a lie?
It is unfortunate, and from where I sit it feels delusional and dangerous. At the same time, in trying to understand it, I have talked to a few people who have had a similar experience. I am not saying this is true for all people, and I am not saying all of her lies are ones she is convinced are true. I know she is aware of some of her lying. I could see it and hear it, in the way she moved her eyes, the tone of her voice, the speed of her voice.

Document, do not argue

Many signals showed she was fully aware in those moments. With other lies, none of that came through, and those are the ones I believe she was simply convinced were absolute. There is something strange in showing the evidence and still not getting anywhere. That was the observation: inside this pattern of lies and false statements, some people are so committed to the lie that they truly believe, without a doubt, that the lie is the truth.